Is There a Point in “Keep Going”?

Now, since about three years ago I said I would not be the same. I remember it was October of 2014, I was a junior but it was my last year in high school, not because I am an overachiever but because I did not want to stay in that high school anymore. I felt so much anxiety at the fact that for lunch everyday I would go to my math teacher’s classroom to eat and do homework because I did not have anything else to do. Now, three years later it seems like nothing have changed, as I am writing this I realize that I must still be the same person but with less bad habits. The same person but with a smile, yet most of the times it is a fake smile. What am I still doing wrong? Who else feels that way? Who else feels like they still just make mistake after mistake but cannot know what the mistake is, they just know a mistake was made because things in life are not going like they are supposed to be going. That only means one thing. Something is wrong. Something is wrong with my attitude or my habits or with any other aspect of my life. I have to figure out what is wrong with me. Once I went to a psychologist and I told him all the things that when I noticed people were not talking to me then it is because there must be something wrong with me. He said it was natural for people to feel that way but that it was not necessarily that something was wrong with me he said. I believe he was wrong because if nothing was wrong with me then why are things not going like I plan. If you want to kick a ball to the right and you kick it to the left then you kicked it wrong. So if I want my life to go forward but I feel it stagnating then that means something must be wrong. I am moving in the wrong direction and unfortunately I have no one to tell me what I am doing wrong. Now I feel like there is no point in going on but when the thought of quitting or giving up enters my mind I feel a great pain in my heart, even bigger than the one I feel when I fail or when things do not go as expected. So it does not matter what I do with my life, it always seems that pain and failure are around the corner. That leaves me with just one option: taking the path that leads to the least amount of pain and failure. Which means I have to keep moving forward and trying to accomplish my dreams because failing hurts but not trying hurts much more.


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